So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just invented taco cereal.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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