i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
