I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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