our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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