If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She's the barista slut.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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