I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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