Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My hand turned me down
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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