a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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