wanna go halves on a baby?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
