Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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