the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
