Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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