Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
