Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
