i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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