I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
