fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
