i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
