Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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