i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is the prime rib incident all over again
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
