my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
