smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Less talking, more tequila
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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