birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
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Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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