I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
