Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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