Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
