I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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