Plan B is the new Plan A
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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