I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Congratulations! We have a period
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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