i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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