gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
