my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
