i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
