break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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