I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
