My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
