I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
