im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
