The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
