in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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