I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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