dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
