you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
