we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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