Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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