All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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