If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
