I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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