If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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