wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
