I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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