I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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