i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
