I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.