too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
