I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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