If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
