i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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