Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
